She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
