you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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