You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
