I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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