Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
