I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
