I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
