Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
