Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
he's single and there are thong briefs.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
