My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
