Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
