Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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