explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
