My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
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