Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
