She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
false alarm. still invincible.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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