just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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