I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
