I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
