She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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