I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
