I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
