lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
The ass gains better be worth it
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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