as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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