Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
my shit smells like andre
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
