she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
