first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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