I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
