Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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