the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Randomize
