I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
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