If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
