You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
