i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
