So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
