Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
