if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
