i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
