Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
