they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
There's always time for handjobs
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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