you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
