Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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