Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
