I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
