I can feel you judging me through the phone.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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