Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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