I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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