Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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