i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
