Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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