Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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