____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
